Raise Our Wages, Can or Not?

Ape haven't been looking into the sacred text The KinJioLeaf for quite some time. Just some days ago, a certain news report made ape recall a leaflet out of the The KinJioLeaf. Of course they are totally unrelated.

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The leaflet from The KinJioLeaf was a letter written some years ago to address some wage issues within the Mandai Forest. It was addressed to the Palm Tree Chimpanzee (PTC) who was setup to oversee the Palm Tree Orang Utans (PTO) who were in charge of the overall health and well being of the palm trees in Mandai Forest.

"Dear Chimpanzees,

We humbly and sincerely write to you to request for an increase of our salary by 2.8%. Our reason for this request is that the cost of living has increased and is likely to continue increasing. To list some examples,

1) Fuel cost, ERP, parking charges and maintenance has increased resulting in us having to spend more to drive to work.
2) Tuition fees, piano lessons and movies tickets cost has increased so we have to pay more for our children. Not to mention my children had wanted an iPad each, the latest model one.
3) Our foreign domestic workers have also demand for more pay.
4) Our wives have also raised concerns that, in spite of our cost cutting measures and a decent savings of $1611 (myself) and $543 (Esbe) a year, it is clearly not enough. In fact our savings dropped by 1.1% and 0.6% respectively.

We admit that our service has not improved much and at times there were isolated lapses but there have never been any major incidents... other than that time when someone sneaked into the nursery and vandalised a tree, only to be discovered by fellow apes when I sent it out to the forest. Or that time when other apes complained that there's not enough trees to provide shelter for them. Aiyoh, surely, there is enough if they could just squeeze themselves under those trees. Surely, these accounts are isolated and negligible.

Last but not least, we are only asking for an increase of 2.8%, a cap set by you, based on a formula that is what you think we should deserve.

We sincerely and humbly seek your approval to raise our wages.

Signed,
Assam R.T.
Esbe S.T.
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Ape couldn't find the reply though. Have a great weekend!

GAWK

Just the other day, I overheard a discussion between 2 guys at the local coffeshop. I heard them addressing each other as TC, Endu (I supposed they meant Andrew, spoken in Singlish) and KS.

TC:"Eh, Endu, I'm thinking har... now that market drop, perhaps it's time to start business"

KS:"What! Siao ah! How can?!?! Where got money. Big banks no more bang and you still think of business?..."

Endu:"Hear him out. I think the prospects are there. You see ah, now everything burst, everything drop, so it will be easier to start bisness. Anyway, bisness always take time to kick start and by the time we're ready, the market will also be ready and we can ride the wave to the next peak!"

KS:"Or sink deeper into the abyss..."

Endu:"Don like that la... anyway,what bisness you think of huh?"

TC:"Hotel. You see har, private property has fallen. So it's not difficult to acquire some place to start our hotel. Orso, many people will sell their house, recession mah... people always sell house, wife and children when in recession, right? So,where to stay? Park? Cannot la! Take nap only kena nabbed by warden and pay $200 orkong, imagine stay in park, wa lau! Sure sent to jail and cane somemore. So they stay Hotel, la! As long as you don charge more than $200 per night!"

At this point,I can't resist the urge to look at the trio and saw that Endu was clearly beaming, KS kept shaking his head and TC was staring into the sky, perhaps visualizing his dream hotel. KS seemed about to speak up but Endu cut him short.

Endu:"Hotel must have name la... so what to call it?"

TC:"Gahmen Approved World Klass Hotel!"

KS:"How the hell do you expect the government to endorse our hotel and a world class one!"

TC:"Hello, you're not listening... I said gahmen...not government, spelling not the same. And just because our hotel's name is World Klass, doesn't mean it has to be world class standard. I said approved, not endorse. We need approval to register our business right? We need approval to build or convert our flat to a hotel right? We can even invite a minister or two to our opening ceremony but that doesn't mean it is approved, accredited or endorsed right? Name doesn't matter one la. Like Layman minibonds are not bonds and not for layman, right?"

KS:"It's Lehman, not lay man..."

Endu:"Whatever... hmmm Gahmen Approved World Klass Hotel... GAWK! In short! Wow, we'll have people gawking at our hotel!"

At this point, my coffee has turned cold. I took a last gulp and left the place. But I'll keep in mind to avoid any hotel by the name of GAWK.

Singapore Short Stories - Ah Meng's Naming

Ah Meng is somewhat of a local celebrity. She's an orang utan in the Singapore Zoological Gardens and entertains tourists occasionally by having breakfast with them. Someone asked me why is she given a boy's name...well, here's the story.
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According to the Kin Jio Leaf, Ah Meng came into this world on 18 June 1960. She was actually kept as a pet illegally until 1971 when the Khirsah and Council then found her. They abish abish the owner until he look like a baboon's behind. Years later, when Harrison became the CEO, we gave Ah Meng to Harrison for safekeeping in the zoo.

Harrison had this wonderful idea of "Breakfast With An Orang Utan" program and consulted us. We also have our hidden agenda and so we agreed. However, we had this big problem... the full name of Ah Meng is AhBuCeDarElleFarGoHaInJerKinLiMeng. It means "The Beautiful One" in our language. Harrison couldn't pronounce it so he named it "Ah Meng" for short...which means "The Beast" in our language.

Of course Ah Meng not happy lor and she give Harrison the finger whenever she saw him. (Harrison claimed that Ah Meng's dislike of him had something to do with that time someone wanted to make a documentary and Ah Meng avoided the camera by climbing up a tree. Harrison coaxed her to come down but eventaully she fell down and injured her arm. So from then on, she don't like him )
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The above short story was written some time ago but somehow was not posted here. Just got to find out that Ah Meng passed away (CNA news). Breakfast will never be the same in the zoo.

If you like to find out more about Ah Meng, go here.

No Sex Please...On SIA's A380

After reading this article, I can't help musing about all the possibilities and questions SIA may need to fend off...

"Eh! Why I cannot have sex har? Double bed there and privacy maintained right?"

"Erm, sorry sir, Singapore is still a conservative society that values the conventional family unit AND place for sex. Sex at 30000 feet above the air is 'unconservative'. SIA, being Singapore's national air carrier would like to followsuit. Thus, I regret to inform you that the rules are still no sex in the A380"

"But we're doing it in private, right? Not that we'll keep banging against the door or what!?! So why ban it? You won't really know if we're doing it in the first place!"

"What you REALLY do in private, we don't really want to know. Our aircrew will not intrude into your privacy."

"So is it can or cannot? Your rules say cannot and then you don't really want to enforce?"

"It is better to accept the untidiness and ambiguity. We shall see how this matter evolve eventually."

"Ok lar...anything you say lar. Anyway, I'm booking a ticket for myself and my partner. You have my details here in my passport. My partner's name is John Smith..."

"... ... ... ..."

(All names and conversational exchanges are purely fictional)

Silly Short Stories - Kena Slapped?

During the Year 2003 National Day Rally, the then PM Goh mentioned about a story involving a certain Minister slapping a fellow Minister. PM Goh said "I must be suffering from amnesia. I just cannot remember this incident!" Well, I don't think he is suffering from amnesia because the incident didn't happen...
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According to the records in The Kin Jio Leaf, the ministers gathered for their regular afternoon meetings. Now, normally in the meeting the coffee boy called Koh Pee Buoy would prepare the drinks (be it coffee, kopi, teh, teh susu etc) for all of them. On that particular day, Pee Buoy was on medical leave.

"What! For the last 30 years he has never reported sick!"

"What's going to happen to my Kopi Oh?"

"and my Teh Susu?"

"I will not be able to think without my Earl Grey..."

Everyone started to panic...well almost everyone except the wisest among them all.
"Gentlemen, the world will laugh at us if we cannot get things done just because we're going to miss our afternoon tea... just get another fella"

And so, they proceeded with their meeting while someone went to get someone to make prepare the drinks. That someone's someone was Poon Lar Par. After being told what the ministers normally like to drink, he went to prepare and serve them. At this point, there was a heated argument over a certain policy where a certain young minister argued with 2 older ministers. Well, arguments in meetings are normal but Poon Lar Par was a bit buay song because he always thought that old people must be respected...how can the young upstart talk back to the elderlies like that? Boh tua boh suay! After serving all the ministers, Lar Par left for the canteen for his own tea break. He met his colleague who's also his trusted childhood friend, Soh Tong and started to tell! "Wah you know har...that young minister! How can he? He think he work so long and can talk back like that!" Lar Par ranted.

"Young minister? Long? Who?" Soh Tong asked.

"Ya la! Who he think he is? He long, people longer! Kena lan!"

"Who? Did you mean Loong or Hu? And who is Lan?"

"Aiyoh! Are you listening or not...that young chap talk back like that. His father never teach ah? Should be slapped man!"

"Who slapped who?!?!..."

"Ya la! The way he talk har, it's like a slap in the old men's face you know...eh, I gotta go, I think the meeting is over. I have to clear up...if not Pee Buoy come back tomorrow I sure kena slap by him"

That night, Soh Tong went out with his neighbour, Poh Sim Boon, to the nearby kopitiam for some kopi and smoke. Well, their wife don't allow them to smoke in the house so they went to the kopitiam to smoke lor...moreover kopitiam got Tiger Show mah...Ya la, Aunty Show who serves Tiger beer.

"So,Tong, how's it like working in the midst of all these big people?"

"Like that lor, I do my work, they do theirs"

"Any juicy stories, huh? Must have la! Heard anything or not..eh I heard they wanna ban smoking in kopitiam, really ah?"

"Huh? Wat? I wasn't listening...I was thinking about wat my friend told me this afternoon"

"What what! Say leh!"

"Well, Lar Par told me something about someone kena slap"

"Who? Who kena slap? By who? What? Where? When? Why? How?"

"I dunno...he said something about a young minister slap old minister..dunno wat long and who and lan...aiyah! I dunno la, don't tell har...wait I kena sack"

"I know already! The young minister must be Loong, who slapped Dhanabalan who sided with R. Hu!"

"How you know?"

"Who else got name containing Loong, Lan or Hu!"

"Oi! I never say that hor. No la, no la...I also dunno what happened! Dun anyhow say hor, som par, som par!"

"Donch worry, I WILL NEVER TELL ONE, I, POH SIM BOON, swear that if I anyhow tell, I'll never get to see my CPF!"
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Well, so you see, that was how the rumours got started...to quote the words from PM Goh's speech - "Now you know how creative Singaporeans are!"

Singapore Short stories - The Chengal Tree

Sometime back in Aug 2002, Habitatnews, in response to URA's invitation to the Rustic Coast Draft Concept Plan, discovered a Hopea Sangal tree in Changi. It was the tree that was believed to have given Changi it's name. The Hopea Sangal tree was believed to be extinct, so naturally, it gained a lot of excitement within the botanical community. I suppose historians were equally excited since this tree was related to the naming of Changi. Unfortunatly, it was felled by a property developer on 20 Nov 2002. Subsequently, the developer was fined and ordered to pay to the state for illegally falling the tree. Prior to the discovery of Hopea Sangal, some other types of trees were also thought to have given the name to Changi. One in particular was known as The Changi Tree and was believed to the intricately tied to the fate of Singapore during World War 2.
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According to the Kin Jio Leaf, in 1942, with the threat of WW2 coming to Singapore, the British army believed that the Japanese army would use it as a marker for artillery fire at the military buildings around the Chengal Tree. (Apparently, they depended on the Monkeys for the intelligence gathering). So they decided to take down the tree, with explosives. (Wa lau! Explosives is to be used on the enemy not on trees! Don't they know what's a chainsaw, obviously, another stupid suggestion by the Monkeys ).

We, the orangutans, objected to this move because we know that the Japanese were using GPS oreadi (Yes, Ground Peanuts System, you just sprinkle some peanuts on the ground and the artillery shells will find its way there) so they don't need the Chengal Tree as marker. More importantly, the Chengal Tree had deep roots in Singapore and it's life was intrinsically tied to that of Singapore.

Well, the British didn't believe and went ahead to take the tree down...and eventually, Singapore had fallen into the hands of the Japs. Good thing was, we managed to save a seed and planted it in Changi. It took years before we can even see the seedling sprout - it's a special tree afterall and so the years passed by. The Japs surrendered, the British balik kampong, Singapore merged with Malaya, Singapore got kicked out of Malaysia and Singapore gained independence...at the same time when the seedling grew to a young tree and need not depend on our tender loving care and can survive on its own. (Makes me feel like a proud parent watching his child grown to be a man ). However, like I mentioned, since the Changi Tree is intrinsically tied to the fate of Singapore, how did Singapore flourished in a leap while the tree grew slowly?

Well, although we planted that one special seed, there were also several not-so-special seeds from the Changi Tree. By itself, those seeds would not flourish (not enough special power, ya?). So, we place them all into a single spot and let them compete naturally. If there'll be one that manages to outgrow the others, by itself, proving survival of the fittest, it will be stronger and largi more powderful than the one special seed that received our tender loving care.

Somehow, the Monkeys got wind of it and wanted to disrupt our plans. They went to psycho the gahmen and ensure that those seeds would never grow. They made an elaborate proposal to the gahmen to build an airport around there. Well, airport has many aircrafts and tall structures are not allowed except certain predefined place. That got us worried, very worried indeed. Fortunately, the Khirsah then was very smart - if the monkeys can sway the gahmen, so can we. Eventaully, he managed to convince the gahmen to build a Singapore icon, the Changi Tower, right at the spot where we planted the seeds. As luck would have it, the seeds grew into saplings, the roots tied to the foundation of the Changi Tower and grew along with it. (Some magic happen there la, don't ask me why the Changi Tower don't have leaves and branches la, it's magic ok?)

The result is more than what we had intended-not only do all the not-so-special seeds managed to grow, they grew to be much taller and faster than what they could have been. And so, Singapore's growth sprinted like the Changi Tower or Tree...whichever way you want to call it.

Singapore Short Stories - Japanese Occupation

In World War II, Japan invaded China in 1937 to bolster it’s meager stock of natural resources and extend it’s colonial realm, to ease it’s population pressure. Subsequently, the Empire of Japan advanced into Southeast Asia and eventually attacked Singapore (a major British military base in SE Asia) in 7 Feb 1942.
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According to The Kin Jio Leaf, the real motive behind the Japanese Imperial Army’s invasion was to find the elusive Banana Leaf Fan (芭蕉扇) owned by Princess Iron Fan (铁扇公主). The Banana Leaf Fan, which originated from China was somehow delivered to Japan and was use to repel the Mongol invasion of Japan during 1274-1281. Storms (Divine Wind) were created using the Banana Leaf Fan to repel the Mongol’s navy.

Many years later, the Banana Leaf Fan was lost and the Japanese thought that it must have returned to China. Thus they invaded China to search for it. They found Panda and His Diaper Bears and their sacred text The Bamboo Shoots where it indicated that further south, there is a clan called Khirsah and His Hairy Apes who owns The Kin Jio Leaf. Thinking that The Kin Jio Leaf is the Banana Leaf Fan, the Japanese Imperial Army diverted south and attacked Singapore. It was due to this reason, The Kin Jio Leaf faced a shortage of banana leaves yet again. It was also during this trying period, the Khirsah then had to retreat further into the forest with his fellow orang utans and in the process, lost quite a few leaflets from The Kin Jio Leaf.

The Imperial Japanese Army had to keep this particular mission as top secret so as not to let anyone know their vulnerability. However, they also need to remind their soldiers of their primary objective thus they printed currencies with motifs of banana tree. These notes became more commonly know as banana money. The print of banana money was without serial money and uncontrolled which resulted in high inflation and severe depreciation of it’s value.

For 3 years and 8 months, the Japanese army searched frantically for The Kin Jio Leaf and hoping that it would provide some clues to locate the Banana Leaf Fan. Their secret police, Kempeitai, questioned and tortured the locals for the location of Khirsah and His Hairy Apes but no one knew. Needless to say, those who knew the real objective were executed. The Khirsah then had wanted to step out of the forest to prevent further lost of lives but he knew the Japs wanted to locate the Banana Leaf Fan but the Kin Jio Leaf do not have that information. He had contemplated sabo-ing the monkeys and tell the Japanese that the monkey's sacred text, The Coconut Husks, would have the record but like they say…Tree Fell Monkey Scram (树倒猢狲散)… all the monkeys had disappeared also. So, surrendering themselves would not help in any way but exterminate the Khirsah clan. The banana trees were not spared though…the Japs cut down every banana tree they can find, Pontianak or no Pontianak, they came, they sawed and they eat bananas.

When the Allies counter attacks became more intensive, the Japs had no choice but to create their own Divine Wind (Kamikaze) without the Banana Leaf Fan by making their pilots go on suicidal mission…with little success. Eventually, the Japanese surrendered on 15 Aug 1945.

Even now, no one knows where is the Banana Leaf Fan.…

Singapore Short Stories - Bt Merah Naming

Legend has it that Bt Merah (or Redhill, or Ang Sua...depending on which dialect, formal or informal name of the place) was named because the hill was stained with the blood of boy who was wrongly murdered for saving the villagers from garfish attacks.
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Actually, the legend is true according to The Kin Jio Leaf. Also, because many banana trees were transplanted, that also caused a shortages of banana leaves for us to write our sacred texts...

Many years passed and the people in olden Singapore lived in tranquility until a shoal of garfish came here and kah jiao the villagers. Many villagers were attacked and they complain to the King. The King then ordered his soldiers to get rid of the garfish but the soldiers were equally helpless because the garfish are foreign talents and can do better than the locals. "We need a scholar to solve this problem!" declared the King.

"But Sir, we have no scholars yet...we don't even have schools yet"

At this point, a young boy piped from the back,"I have a solution! Plant rows of banana trees along the coast. When the garfish leap out of the waters, they'll get stuck on the banana tree...the soldiers can move in then and kill the fish"

"But banana trees got pontianaks leh," the King's aide said.

"Well, you and all your ministers can volunteer to stand there instead...so how? you wanna get satayed or you want garfish fin soup? "challenged the boy.

And so, everyone went into the forest and start transporting the banana trees to the coast. The Khirsah then decided to let them have the trees since it was for a good cause and withdraw the guards.

The boy's plan went through and the garfish problem was resolved. But then hor, the King buay song liao. "How can we allow a peasant to offer a solution? Only scholars can have good solutions mah...must get rid of him..." and so he ordered the soldiers to kill the boy. When the boy was stabbed, his blood kept flowing and stained the hill where he lived...and thus, that hill was named Bukit Merah (Red Hill).

Singapore Short Stories - Pontianaks

For those of you who are still pretty clueless about the Kin Jio Leaf (The Banana Leaf), it is actually a sacred text recording the history of Singapore by a tribe made up of Orang Utans where the head is called Khirsah (Khirsah is a hereditary name given to the elected orang utan and he will have the sole responsibility of recording the accounts and protecting the Kin Jio Leaf). The Kin Jio Leaf actually went through several trails, (resulting in some lost leaflets, thus the incompleteness of the records :P) and the earliest one is retold here...
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Heard of pontianak? Legend has it that pontianaks are woman hantu (ghost) who supposedly die during/after child labour and turned into vicious spirits. They are normally seen in white/red clothes, long hair, with fangs and claws etc...much like M Jackson. During daytime, they're thought to hide in banana trees and only come out of the tree to hunt at night...they don't like to be too tanned you how...

Actually their origin relates to the Hairy Apes in Mandai Forest and The Kin Jio Leaf (KJL). Well, you see, our sacred text (KJL) had to be written on real banana leaves and it's not just any type of banana leaves. Only certain banana trees fit the criteria and we can only use the leaves of those trees.

But then hor, the locals have so much use of banana leaves like, wrap nasi lemak, otah, bah chang, tutukueh, weave baskets, for laying tables, as mattresses etc so we had to compete with them for banana leaves. (Note: Flo did point out that bah chang and several other items do not use banana leaves...but they do, in the past until banana leaves until the pontianak scare incindet so the locals use the alternatives :P)

One day, we buay tahan liao. Come one, we don't need ALL the banana leaves...we only needed those from certain trees and the humans simply don't understand and just go chop chop chop all the banana trees. So some of us stand guard at the trees, even at night to make sure that they don't touch the leaves of those trees that we need. But the stoothpick, superstitious, shortsighted humans mistaken my guards as long haired, ugly women wanting to rape them, went screaming back into the village howling that they saw hantus ....

Many moons passed since then and humans seldom disturb our trees. So we standdown our guards and things went peacefully for a period of time. One of the apes called Innu Weisen thought that it's is quite difficult to identify those banana trees that we want so he thought, "why don't we mark those trees? Just poke a needle into the tree and tie a red string into the needle so that the leaves gatherers can work faster!" It was a very innovative idea and so we adopted it. However, some young punks of the villagers wanted to hao lian their courage and impress the pretty village girls, started venturing into the forest again to dare the "banana tree ghost" . They discovered the red string and started pulling on it and one of us who happened to be there jumped out and yelled at them...and again the stoothpick, superstitious, shortsighted punks mistaken my guard as long haired, ugly women wanting to rape them, went screaming back into the village howling that they saw hantus ....

So over time, they learned to leave the banana trees alone, especially those with red strings and ignorance became legend that pontianaks live in banana trees and will haunt anyone who goes near it.

Singapore Short Stories - Governor's Grand Big Balls

In 1826, the Straits Settlement was formed as a collection of territories of the British East India Company in SE Asia. It comprises main of Sinapore, Malacca, Dinding, Penang and Province Wellesly. With this formation, the first Governor, Robert Fullerton, was appointed.
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According to The Kin Jio Leaf, the governor wanted to throw a ball to celebrate his appointment and so he invited people form all the places and as far as Europe. It was said that the governor's ball was the biggest, grandest, most lavish and everybody wants to have their hands on his ball

So happen that in Europe, the Evil Step Sisters (Ah Huay and Ah Lian) of Cinderella were invited also.

"Lian eh, since we got no chance to be Princess Charming, why not we go Singapore to see the governor's ball? Can feel and have a taste of what his ball is like!"

"Ons la! BTW, I heard Raffles will be attending and he's a fine charming man...maybe we can try our luck with him"

And so, the Evil Step Sister's set off for Singapore after they'd done some research on Raffles.

At the ball, they were contemplating how to approach Raffles. "Eh, I heard that Raffles talk very little nowsadays...something to do with hypothermia and tired of talking after all the negotiations for Singapore. How ah?" asked Ah Lian.

"Stand back and see me perform!" boasted Ah Huay as she make her way to Raffles. "Hello ham som...my sister and I made a bet that I can make you say more than two words. What do you think?"

Raffles looked at her, blurted "You lose!"

Singapore Short Stories - Ah Kong's Land

After a brief survey of the Karimun Islands, Raffles discovered Singapore to be a place where there was no Dutch presence which made Singapore suitable for the British to to set-up a free trade post. Noting that the Sultanate of Johore was in bad shape at that time, Raffles took the opportunity of sign an rudimentary treaty with the local Temenggong. Few days later, a formal treaty was signed with Tengku Long, who claimed to be the lawful sovereign of this region.
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Sometimes, you may hear Singaporeans retort "You think this is your Ah Kong's land/street/house etc ah!" Well, the roots of this phrase can be traced back to Raffles time...

According to The Kin Jio Leaf, shortly after Raffles identified Singapore as the place to set up a British trading port in this region (and dried himself), he set about the administrative aspects to formalize it. During that time, the Johore Sultanate was in bad shape and no longer had control over this place which gave Raffles an opportunity. He didn't know who to approach initially so he consulted Farquhar and asked if he can just plant the Union Jack and cliam his prize!

"You think this is your Ah Kong's land ah!" yelled Farquhar but paused immediately in deep thoughts. He continued,"Actually, I think this is really Ah Kong's land...let's look for the Temenggong!"

And so, they proceeded to make the first official contact with the local authorities...and eventually managed to formalise a treaty Tengku Long, the man who had supreme nominal authority over this area at that time.

Well, you can see, the first person who used the phrase with gusto was Farquhar...
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Major William Farquhar, was the British Resident of Malacca. One of his tasks was to negotiate commercial treaties with the local chiefs of the Riau Archipelego. After the founding of Singapore with Raffles, he was subsequently appointed as the first British Resident and Commandant of Singapore from 1819-1823.

Singapore Short Stories - Raffles' Statue

Having covered the ancient founding of Singapore...we'll look at the modern founding. Well, we know that Sir Stamford Raffles founded Singapore in 1819. Many years later, a statue of him was made to commemorate him. Have you wondered why the statue shows Raffles stood with his arms folded and wore knee length pants? Here's the story...
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According the The Kin Jio Leaf, Raffles wanted to look for a suitable port in this region to break the Dutch monopoly. He went to several places and every time the ship reached a fairly suitable coast, he had to roll up his pants. You see, he needed to find a new an untouched coast so of cos no jetty also. They had to jump off the boat, walk in knee deep water before they can reach the beach. After a couple of times and sick of rolling up his pants, he simply cut the lower part off. He searched for several places around the Riau islands but couldn't find a suitable location. In one particular hot afternoon, hungry and tired after all the searching, he started whining like the horse.

"Wa lau! I need some chicken!"
"Got your CPF already huh? Heard that people take their CPF and go Batam for chicken...you wanna go?"
"Batam have nice chicken rice meh? How come i didn't know?"
"...oh...chicken rice ah...then we should go Singapore. A Hainanese from China serve very good chicken rice there. Best in Singapore and JB and some say Batam. Wanna try?"

So, off they sailed again, heading for Singapore. Upon reaching, Raffles thought the waters were knee deep so he just jumped in...and got himself all wet...underwear also wet wet... because the waters here was deep...so deep that he was fully immersed.

"That's it! *gulp* This is the *gasp* place! Very deep water *gulp* for a port *gasp*. Large ships can sail right in!"

When his crew fished him out, he was so cold that he had to wrap his arms around himself while they got him a blanket. Meanwhile, a budding artist saw the scene and painted his drenched, cold, arms folded, shivering in that silly knee length pants picture.

Many years later, when people wanted to make a statue of Raffles capturing the very first image when he arrived. The grandson of the artist showed them the painting.

"This cannot la...he looked so miserable and wet...but we don't have any other picture...sculptor! Can you do something about this, at least make him look smart or something"

And so...we see the smart looking version of Raffles in the statue.

Note: CPF-Chicken Procurement Form...you see, Raffles' employer dun wan their overseas staff to anyhow leave seeds. Only under special circumstances the staff were issued with such forms...one form per visit. They had to fill it up so that they can trace any claims.

Singapore Short Stories - Origin of Merlion

The Merlion, a creature with the head of a lion and body of a fish, was designed as a symbol to represent Singapore for the Singapore Tourism Board in 1964 (so that we can tok the chai tou of tourists and sell Merlion souvenirs) . The Merlion was chosen because it relates to the ancient founding of Singapore by Sang Nila Utama (who thought he saw a lion when he first arrived, thus name this place Singapura) and Singapore's ancient name Temasek (sea port).
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According to The Kin Jioa Leaf, Merlions actually do exist. However, they are not born from nature but out of the mischief of the Monkeys...

Several years passed after Sang Nila Utama named this place Singapura, the Monkeys start to become restless. Apparently, they heard something about a great Monkey King somewhere up north is creating havoc in heaven and so thought that they are the greatest primates in this world. Jealous that we the Orang Utans have a sacred text, they created their own text called The Coconut Husk and claimed that our version of Singapore naming was false. (see previous story). A great war broke out and obviously the monkeys lost...what do they know anyway beside monkeying around

Sidetrack a little. We recorded this great war into the Kin Jio Leaf and sometime during the 1960s, that particular leaflet came off and was lost...the previous Khirsah never maintain properly A couple of years later, a french by the name of Pierre Boulle published a book called Planet of the Apes...wonder where he got the ideas

Anyway, where was I Oh, ya, the great war and monkeys lost...They retreated far north in search of their Monkey King for assistance only to realise that the King was imprisoned under the Wu Zhi San (Mt 5 Fingers). Our spy reported that they kena scolding somemore "!@#$, can't you see lim peh kena lock and I'll have to be here for another 500 years and wait for someone call Tang San Zhang to free me! Scram!"

So the monkeys LL. However, one wise one thought that since they got nothing to do now, why not go Africa and bring one lion here secretly so that they can prove lions do exist in SE Asia. I dunno how they arrived in Africa but when they do, the lion bo hiew them "Wa lau! I heard the Khirsah there very fierce one leh ! ".

The monkeys LL...again... but then hor, the wise one spoke again. "Lion dun go, we create one ourselves...look, I've been doing some experiments and something call DNA...clone...need to get his juice...long walk so cross with fish...can swim..."

Eh...dun ask me how they got the lion's juice...I dun know and I really dun wan to know any monkey business.

Apparently, they managed to cross breed lions with fishes and sailed back to Singapore to suan us...but then hor, you know la, lion cannot tahan the sea, even if it's a merlion, so the moment they reach shore, all start to vomit from seasickness The monkeys, seeing that their newfound allies couldn't help them, fled into the jungles again, leaving the merlions to die on the beach (fish can't go on land mah). The silly humans got all excited over the merlions and tried to save them but alas, only one survived (the one that's related to Rochor Mermaid...but that's another story).

Many years later, even the last one went e-lang so the villagers made a Merlion statue near the shore where they first saw them for remembrance sake.

We of course didn't bother the merlions bcos we know they are the innocent ones and life went on...

Singapore Short Stories - Ancient Discovery

Sang Nila Utama is a legendary Malay Prince who founded ancient Singapore. Legend has it that he was a prince of Sumatra. Wanting to find a suitable place for a new city, he went to the Riau island and eventually arrived in Temasak (Sea Town). Just upon arrival, he saw a beast and was told by his Chief Minister that the beast was a lion (Singa). Thus, Temasek was renamed Singapura.
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According my ancestor, Khirsah I (or was it III?) and recorded in our sacred text - The Kin Jio Leaf, what actually happened was this. When Utama arrived, there was actually a small fishing village consisting of people from different races. He was curious as to the name of this place so he asked for the name. Just before that, someone actually stole the sarong of one of the village woman. The name of that person was Gurmit Singh or Ah Seng (the text was a bit hazy on the identity of the thieve, sorry there). Now, when Utama asked for the name, the malay woman shouted "Singh/Seng kah po!"...and so we have this name...Sing-gah-pore.

However, the Monkeys couldn't agree with our texts...they claim that according to their sacred text - The Coconut Husk, Utama actually saw a tiger but he claimed that to be a lion. His aides didn't want to disappoint him (after all the stormy sailing and having to loose his crown to appease the gods), agreed that it was a lion.

Of course, the monkey's version is gibberish. First, how does one write on coconut husks? Secondly, we all know that lions can only be found in Africa and zoos and surely Utama, being a prince should know this fact. Thirdly, even the humans have recorded texts to show that there were clearly signs of early settlements in Singapore and the people came from different parts of Asia.

Thus, ends the first part of my Singapore Story...more to come if you guys are interested.