Raise Our Wages, Can or Not?

Ape haven't been looking into the sacred text The KinJioLeaf for quite some time. Just some days ago, a certain news report made ape recall a leaflet out of the The KinJioLeaf. Of course they are totally unrelated.

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The leaflet from The KinJioLeaf was a letter written some years ago to address some wage issues within the Mandai Forest. It was addressed to the Palm Tree Chimpanzee (PTC) who was setup to oversee the Palm Tree Orang Utans (PTO) who were in charge of the overall health and well being of the palm trees in Mandai Forest.

"Dear Chimpanzees,

We humbly and sincerely write to you to request for an increase of our salary by 2.8%. Our reason for this request is that the cost of living has increased and is likely to continue increasing. To list some examples,

1) Fuel cost, ERP, parking charges and maintenance has increased resulting in us having to spend more to drive to work.
2) Tuition fees, piano lessons and movies tickets cost has increased so we have to pay more for our children. Not to mention my children had wanted an iPad each, the latest model one.
3) Our foreign domestic workers have also demand for more pay.
4) Our wives have also raised concerns that, in spite of our cost cutting measures and a decent savings of $1611 (myself) and $543 (Esbe) a year, it is clearly not enough. In fact our savings dropped by 1.1% and 0.6% respectively.

We admit that our service has not improved much and at times there were isolated lapses but there have never been any major incidents... other than that time when someone sneaked into the nursery and vandalised a tree, only to be discovered by fellow apes when I sent it out to the forest. Or that time when other apes complained that there's not enough trees to provide shelter for them. Aiyoh, surely, there is enough if they could just squeeze themselves under those trees. Surely, these accounts are isolated and negligible.

Last but not least, we are only asking for an increase of 2.8%, a cap set by you, based on a formula that is what you think we should deserve.

We sincerely and humbly seek your approval to raise our wages.

Signed,
Assam R.T.
Esbe S.T.
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Ape couldn't find the reply though. Have a great weekend!

Society & Ape

ape was blog browsing and came across this particular posting by angry doc. angry doc titiled his posting "Elite-basing" and was relating to an article by Sandra Leong "Scoring High In Grades But Not In Values".

"... the pursuit of intellectual excellence to the exclusion of character or value excellence breeds an exclusionary attitude to the rest of society. Many of the products of our top schools forget they have to give back to the society that allowed them so many opportunities." Sandra Leong


"What is implied there is that people who are successful owe a debt to society, and that if they refuse to "give back" to society, there is something faulty with their character or values system.

But angry doc would like to ask: who in society is calling for this debt to be repaid? On whose behalf is Ms Leong calling for elites to "give back"? What makes us think that we are entitled to the time, effort, or the fruits of the labour of those in society who have succeeded?" angry doc

ape had a dream on that very night after ape read these two articles. ape met a being who called itself "society". However, ape couldn't really determine if ape met one or two of them who chose to call itself (or themselves) "society" because it appeared to ape that it was the same yet different being. However, there's something about the dream that ape wanted to leaf it down into KinJioLeaf.

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PART 1

ape: "Who are you?"

society: "Society"

ape: "OK.... but what are you really?"

society: "I'm the one who provides for you to be an elite!"

ape: "But I'm not..."

society: "You are because I say so! You went to an elite school. You have a decent paying job. You've paid off your housing loan."

ape: "That hardly makes me an elite. I only spent four years in an elite school. I'm not a scholar. I'm staying in an HDB flat..."

society: "You are because I say so, so stop denying."

ape: "OK... if you insist." ape wasn't quite sure what this meeting was all about but being in ape's nature to be helpful, ape asked "Is there anything I can do for you?"

society: "Ha! You've finally wised up. Yes, what can you do for me!"

ape: "I don't know... not be a burden to you? Do my job, feed my family, just follow law?"

society: "Not good enough. What about me? Can't you build roads, produce good policies, donate more to charity, help the poor, find housing for them, get more workers, kick out the foreigners, form a new government, arrest the rabble rousers, lock up the gays, give more freedom, uphold democracy, respect human rights, create jobs, build cheaper public housing, ensure property does not collapse..."

ape: "Wait, wait, wait... that's a lot to ask of me!"

society: "I don't care. You're an elite!"

ape: "I didn't say I am. You said it. Even if I am an elite, why should I?"

society: "Because I made you so. I am the infrastructure, education, etc... I'm the opportunities that make you who you are now. So it's time to pay back. To return what you owe."

ape: "But I'm not an elite!" (society was about to retort but ape cut him off since he is getting on ape's nerves) "OK. Cool down. Let's just say hypothetically I am an elite"

society: "You are!"

ape: "OK, I am since you say so. Isn't the infrastructure, education, the opportunities you mentioned offered to everyone? Since ape manages to do better than the rest...hypothetically, due to ape's own hard work and efforts, isn't ape entitled to whatever benefits that comes with ape's success and remain ape's own rights to whom ape wants to share the benefits? To whom do I owe this success? My parents who worked hard to bring me up. I'm not saying I am going to deny you but I don't see how I owe you? Whatever I have achieved so far is on one part due to my own efforts and another from my parents and the many mentors who guided me all these years. You make it sound like I owe you a debt. Do I?"

society: "You do!"

ape: "So if I refuse to study, refuse to work. Laze around and do nothing and become YOU, I can make demands that the "elite" must provide for me?"

society: "You'll never become me! I am the infrastructure, education... THE opportunities... not some lazy bum like you!"

ape: "See! I told you I'm not an elite. You've just admitted I'm a lazy bum so don't make demands on me."

society: "Don't try to play "elite" with me or you'll suffer! You just wait and see. I'll be waiting for you and hound you like an Ah Long if you don't pay back!" (ape was totally lost at this point and wonders how is he going to wait and yet hound on ape).

Whatever, ape was jolted out of his sleep and had to visit the bushes. After ape has... er... watered the plants, ape went back to sleep, not quite sure if he wanted to meet "Society" again in his sleep... (to be cont'd)

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PART 2
society: "Hi ape!"

ape: "Er... hi." (ape noticed something seems kinder in his tone and demeanor but can't help checking him out apprehensively for pig head or red paint)

society: "You look worried. Don't be."

ape: "Who are you?"

society: "Society"

ape: "Have you come to collect "debts" from me?"

society: "Debts?!?! What do you owe me?"

ape: "You don't? I thought... never mind. Is there anything I can do for you?" (ape fell back into his usual self)

society: "What will you do to me?" *dismayed* ape knew it! Pay back time! and ape wasn't paying attention to the choice of words society used.

ape: "... ... "

society: "... ... haven't really decided? Don't worry. Take your time. In actual fact, you've started doing something for me."

ape: "I did?"

society: "Yes. You have a job. You take care of your family. You did not upset me. You did not create unrest. All these are good enough."

ape: "Anyone could have done what ape did so it's really nothing worth mentioning... and we certainly don't need an elite to do all these."

society: "Who said anything about Elite? What is Elite?"

ape: "Nevermind. Who are you really? You don't seem to be the same "society" I met earlier."

society: "I don't know who you met earlier but certainly not me. Who am I? I am a product of you! I am you!"

ape: "Me?"

society: "You, people around you, people before you, people after you. I am who you make me out to be. I'm a product of you yet I am you. Enough about me... or you... or us. I'm more interested about what you will do."

ape: "Er... haven't really decided but since you seemed to like what ape has done so far, perhaps ape will maintain the status-quo until ape can decide. Ape is not quite smart so ape may take quite a long time" ape was actually confused and didn't want to make too much a commitment.

society: "Don't worry. Take your time. You'll know when you know. People who take their time tends to come out with better ideas. Sometimes, the smart ones, even with good intentions, moves too fast and hurts me more than those who take their time to plan. Of course there are those who think that they can destroy me but ends up hurting themselves more. I exist because you exist because I exist because we exist." ape is scratching his head and all over his body at this point... going bananas and totally confused.

ape: "So you're not the infrastructure, education... THE opportunities that provided for me to be who I am now and I do not owe you and need not do anything for you in return?"

society: "ape, you can confusing me." (Walao! Who is confusing who?) "Let me put it this way. You can say I am the infrastructure, education... THE opportunities who provided for you to be who you are now but who made me this way? You! OK, if you are particular about this since I know you are a technician by training and tends to think very straight. Your predecessors made me this way. If you do feel obliged to return the favour, or what you call "returning a debt", the obvious thing is to leave a legacy like what they did so that your successors can continue to do the same for their successors and so on. Let me put it in another way. I exist because you exist and I'll cease when you cease. However, who I am and what I am going to be will depend on you. I can give you a bloody big headache if you make me to be one. I can make you achieve things you never imagine if you make me to be one."

ape: "Wow! ape didn't know he has so much influence on society. ape thought it is only the elite who can influence you."

society: "Ape talk about Elite again. What is Elite? Anyway, ape alone cannot have so much influence lah. The act of a single person or even a small group of people may give me goosebumbs of fear or elation but I recover pretty fast if the whole is intact. I cannot be destroyed unless you cease to exist. However, I can change drastically depending on what you do to me. If you make me bad, I'll be and it is going to take more effort to make me good. If I am good, you can make me better. Do you know how easy it is to make me bad? Just ignore me. Want to give it a try. Ignoring me won't make me go away. I'll just turn bad and give you a bloody nose. When it reaches the point of no return, I'll destroy you and myself."

ape: "Isn't that suicide?"

society: "Yes. It is suicidal of you to ignore me or take me for granted."

ape: "ape is just a small fry. What can ape do? Isn't the care and development of you the responsibilities of the government, the smart people, the rich... the er, elite?"

society: "HAHAHAHAHAHA! So this is what you mean by elite. Ape is giving too much credit to these 'elite'. They do have a certain amount of influence on me no doubt, just like anyone else. However, I am the sum of you, all of you. You alone, the government alone, the smart, the rich or the Eeeeeelite you mentioned, operating alone may give me moments of joy or depression but to change me takes the effort of everyone. Boleh?"

ape: "Hmmmm. OK. Back to basics. Since you, society, is me, the people around me, people before me, people after me. You must have the experience and wisdom of everyone, ya?"

society: "Yeap... and the stupidity."

ape: "Can you tell me, what can I do to make you better? Or at least make sure you don't turn bad? I mean, after talking to you, you seem fine and jolly and helpful so I assume you must be good now but then again you could be creating an elaborate scheme to trap me and give me a bloody headache and perhaps ape is thinking too much and ... "

society: "Ape, ape, you're talking bananas. Focus, focus. I am who I am now due to what your predecessors has done. One thing for certain is that over the last centuries, I am getting better and better in most ways. The reason for this is that your predecessors developed me so that I can reciprocate them and their successors. By successors, I'm not talking about the father who hordes money for his son or people who keeps their success within their own family. I'm talking about people who benefited from what the pioneers had done. These 'beneficiaries' wanted to honour the pioneers and did what their predecessors had done - leave a legacy for everyone. Think of people like Tan Kah Kee and Lee Kong Chian, two people whom you should be familiar about since your secondary school days. I'm not talking about just the elites. I'm talking about everyone. Of course, there are some who did more than others but remember your primary school motto - From Each His Best? Some can do more, some can do less. It doesn't matter. Everyone has a part to play."

ape: "So it is not about returning debt or owing anyone?"

society: "Certainly not. Even if it is, once you return the 'debt', than what? You will ignore me and forget me. The end. No. It is about legacy. Continuation. Continual improvement. You benefitted from me because of the efforts of the people before you. You don't owe me anything because I am the creation of the people before you. Obviously, you can't pay them back since they have left. If you feel obliged and wanted to honour these people, do what they did, leave a legacy for the people after you. Once you ignore me, what is left is disaster for the people after you and they WILL definitely remember you, the whole lot of you, provided WE survive.

ape: "So... what shall I do?"

society: "Wake up now or you'll be late in sending your daughter to school! If you don't do anything now, she will suffer, you know?"

By then, ape woke and realised that he is running short of time. Daughter was all ready and waiting for ape. Soon, she will be ready and need not wait for ape anymore. When that time arrive, will it be easier or harder for kids of her generation to get to school?

Past, Present And Future

Actually, ape wanted to use the title of "Know The Past To Understand The Present So As To Plan For The Future" but that seemed a bit long so ape simply cut it short.

Also, to cut this potentially long post short, ape was immersed with this blog http://singaporegovt.blogspot.com for almost the whole night, reading through some of the events that lead to the Singapore that we know today. Ape came across this site because ape had wanted to find out more about this person called Lim Chin Siong. Ape came across this person called Lim Chin Siong because.... nevermind... long story short, ok?

Some years ago, Ape was very surprised when ape came to know that MM Lee became Singapore's PM when he was 35? Gosh! What the hell is ape doing at age 35?

Ape largi more surprised today when ape found out that Lim Chin Siong, at age 21, was already leader of workers, trade union and students. Got elected into legislative assembly a year later and yet another year later, represented PAP for constitutional talks in London. What was ape doing at age 21? Representing a friend to impress a girl for a date... damn.

Besides some history lessons (that are not found in school textbooks) that can be found in the blog mentioned, there's a whole lot more thought provoking matters discussed there. Ape wanted to make that bog as one of the forest ape frequents only to realized that the blog seems to have stopped since 2007... sigh.

Story of Duke and Bruno

Duke and Bruno have been with their keeper for as long as anyone can remember. Both are equally loyal. Both protects the interests of their keeper but in different ways.

Duke rarely barks. He would do his usual walk around the house, survey the area, keeping a mindful look out for anything unusual. He would pick up the wayward litter,casually dropped by his keeper when he takes out the trash. In the night when all were asleep, he would rest near the doorstep,keeping vigil. His gaze would be fixated on any passerby and ready to pounce on any stranger who has the audacity to trespass. He rarely barks and did his work dutifully.

Bruno was never missed by his keeper. His presence is always felt. He would follow his keeper wherever he went. He barks at the slightest anomaly, including the occassional rebel leaf from the neighbour that found its way across the fence. When opportunity arised,he would strut towards his keeper,parading the squeaking pest in his jaws - the pest that was snatched rudely from the paws of the neighbourhood cat who hunted it.

In spite of their differences, Duke and Bruno never had any rivalry between them. The only time they fought was playtime, solely for the entertainment of the keeper's child, KJ.

It was under new moon and the winds were high. A stealthy shadow leapt across the fence and took cover in the garden shed in a single swift motion. Fast but not enough to escape Duke's sight. Duke stood his ground and guarded the house entrance still. His gaze never left the fugitive. As long as the escaped prisoner stayed in the shed, he was no threat to the family and Duke intended to leave it that way. Nevertheless, Duke adjusted to a crouching position,ready to pounce should shadow take another step towards the house. Further up north along the street, the flashing lights of the local patrol could be seen.
Bruno roused from his slumber, glanced at Duke and realised something was amissed. He followed the gaze of Duke and barely made out a man sitting in the garden shed. Bruno leapt up, ran round the courtyard excitedly and woke the entire neighbourhood with his incessant barks.

The fugitive panicked. He had to think fast. From his position, he could see the patrol approaching. The barking dog had effectively blocked his escape into the street. He was not prepared to test the truthfullnes of the adage - a barking dog never bites. His alternative was to hold someone hostage in this house. He'd rather die fighting than return to the cell and face the noose. A hatchet hung harmlessly on the shed and turned evil in the hand of the fugitive. Shadow dashed for the main door. Duke pounced. Bruno watched as the hatchet landed on Duke's shoulder while Duke landed squarely on Shadow's chest. Dog and man sprawled on the grass. The hatchet flung into the bushes. Duke would have gone for Shadow's throat but was too weak. Shadow was disoriented but quick to pick himself up and dash into the street southwards, only after he kicked that barking dog out of his path. Bruno laid whining and wheezing with a couple of broken ribs. He would never be able to bark as he used to. Duke, totally exhausted and bleeding profusely, remained fixated on Shadow as he diminished down the street with the patrol on his heels. A couple of gun shots were heard and that's the last anyone in the neighbourhood saw Shadow. Duke took a final look at the house. Saw Keeper and family safe and sound. He closed his eyes for the final time, knowing he had kept the family safe.

Keeper missed Bruno's bark. In fact,he missed those days when Bruno would run around the house,chase after birds or leaves and any little things that excited him. KJ is no longer a child. KJ will soon be told that Bruno's health had deteriorated and he would need to take Bruno to the town vet. Keeper is sure that KJ will brightened up when he present a puppy to KJ. However,Keeper is determined that he will only keep one dog. Keeper knows exactly the type of dog he wanted.

KJ is at the pet cemetary. He placed Duke's favourite biscuit on the ground. He remembered how Duke would always break his fall when he was a toddler. Or how Duke would snuggle up to him and lick his face when he felt all alone in the sand pit. Duke never failed to find his lost toy or shoes. He remembered vavidly how Duke had heroically saved the family on that fateful night. He had witnessed the entirely episode but no one cared what he saw because he was just a kid.

Singapore Short Stories - Terrorists Plans Foiled

" FIVE more Singaporean members of the Jemaah Islamiyah (JI) terrorist network have been released by the Internal Security Department (ISD), after they were assessed as no longer posing a security threat that required detention." (Today, 16 Sep 2008)

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Did you know how some of them were arrested in the first place and why one of their plans were foiled? Well, according to The Kin Jio Leaf, they had actually sent in Foreign Talents who are supposed to be THE experts to carry out the attacks.

When the first FT arrived, he was supposed to go to this pre-rented flat to assemble the bomb. When he got there, found out that he was only given a room in that flat (rental high la) and there were other Foreign Workers (chio chio Dragon Ladies) in the other rooms. "What the heck", he thought "maybe I can even date the dragon ladies out and get lucky"...he didn't. The next thing he know, ICA and MOM stormed the flat. The dragon ladies are illegal overstayers... he being in the same flat was investigated also.

"Sir, although you got proper document to be here but we found that you are conducting a small business at home without a permit!" The MOM and ICA officers noted, confiscated his devices thinking that he was making a MP3 player and sent him back.

The second guy was smarter now (with more budget). Rented the whole flat, assembled the bomb, got to the void deck and...stomach pain (must be the curry fishhead the previous night). So painful that he left the bag at the void deck, ran up to his flat and "bombed" the toilet first. When he returned, the bag was lost...garung guni man picked it up, stripped it apart and sold it at Sungei Road.

Third guy got the bomb prepared and headed to the MRT. (He was planning to bomb Raffles Place Station actually). However, he couldn't squeeze into the train. Tried taking a bus, also the same problem. Then he called for a cab. He was running late (need to set if off during peak hours) so when he arrived, didn't bother to pay the taxi driver and made a dash for the station. Afterall, he's a terrorist what! However, the taxi driver happened to be a sprinter and can break ice with his fist....so the terrorist kena abish abish and broke his jaw. The taxi driver realising he has caused grievous hurt, chabo-ed. When the terrorist picked himself up, he realised the bomb is lost...again...in Sungei Road in pieces.

Finally, the terrorist head said, "I think we should get the locals to do the job. They know the place better"

Being Singaporeans, those newly recruited guys wanted to be very sure of the assignment so they took picutres, videocam etc. They made a scan through all the regulatory requirement to ensure that they do not need a permit to carry out the act. They did a cost-benefit-analysis, send to the supervisor for recommendation, manager for support and eventually to head office director for approval... but by then the US found those pictures and alerted the SGP government...
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Singapore Short Stories - Ah Meng's Naming

Ah Meng is somewhat of a local celebrity. She's an orang utan in the Singapore Zoological Gardens and entertains tourists occasionally by having breakfast with them. Someone asked me why is she given a boy's name...well, here's the story.
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According to the Kin Jio Leaf, Ah Meng came into this world on 18 June 1960. She was actually kept as a pet illegally until 1971 when the Khirsah and Council then found her. They abish abish the owner until he look like a baboon's behind. Years later, when Harrison became the CEO, we gave Ah Meng to Harrison for safekeeping in the zoo.

Harrison had this wonderful idea of "Breakfast With An Orang Utan" program and consulted us. We also have our hidden agenda and so we agreed. However, we had this big problem... the full name of Ah Meng is AhBuCeDarElleFarGoHaInJerKinLiMeng. It means "The Beautiful One" in our language. Harrison couldn't pronounce it so he named it "Ah Meng" for short...which means "The Beast" in our language.

Of course Ah Meng not happy lor and she give Harrison the finger whenever she saw him. (Harrison claimed that Ah Meng's dislike of him had something to do with that time someone wanted to make a documentary and Ah Meng avoided the camera by climbing up a tree. Harrison coaxed her to come down but eventaully she fell down and injured her arm. So from then on, she don't like him )
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The above short story was written some time ago but somehow was not posted here. Just got to find out that Ah Meng passed away (CNA news). Breakfast will never be the same in the zoo.

If you like to find out more about Ah Meng, go here.

Memory Snapshots of Early Childhood

I better get started about my life story before Ras starts throwing Char Kway Teow or Chai Tau Kuay at me...whatever that means :p

Have you ever wondered how much do you remember about your early childhood? And how early or what is the first memory? At 4 years old? At 3 or 2 or even 1? I can only remember vividly of events in kindergarten 1, i.e. 5 years old onwards. I can also recall quite a number of events that happened when I was 4. Anything before that? I can only think of 3 "snapshots". I had no idea what they meant until my family and relatives filled me in when I'm older.

What are these 3 snapshots? The first is me looking over my shoulder at the corridor of my grandma's flat. My older brother was standing there, waving, pointing and shouting at me.

The second snapshot is one where I see the door of the private clinic below my grandma's flat opened and it seemed that someone was carrying me into the clinic.

The third is more like a 2 part short video clip. Part 1 - Grandma told me to stay and wait while she entered a bank. I turned around immediately to examine the fishes swimming in the water-landscape pond. Part 2 - I observed that the water line is right in front of me...and one of my slippers is floating right in front of me at eye level. A man was reaching out to grab my hand.

So what really happened? It's not difficult to guess the third scenario. Grandma and I went to the bank. Bank was crowded with a long queue (so are banks now) so I was told to wait outside. Right outside this bank was a small, simple, artificial landscape with a small little waterfall and a small little pond with small little fishes. And this small little ape was very excited about the small little fishes, inched out to took a closer look and fell into the pond :p

I remembered the bank was UOB because I visited that place many times after that as I grow older. And everytime I passed that place since that incident, I kept wondering why they have filled up the pond with cement? I missed those small little fishes.


What about the 2nd snapshot - clinic door? One of my uncles carried me into the clinic. Why? I fainted. Why? He caned me. Why? I wasn't paying attention when he was trying to coach me on some simple word recognition. I was to learn later that the doctor and my mum wanted to report him to the police but didn't do so eventually. FYI, that uncle of mine is not a child abuser. He was young then. I must have pissed him off terribly. I do not harbour any bad feelings about him, even after I came to be aware of what happened. I know he is truly sorry for what he did because all these years since then, I can sense that he is particularly nice to me amongst all his nieces and nephews. Maybe it was that particular incident that made me smarter (academically only) among my siblings and cousins :p

The first snapshot. Even without anyone telling me as I reflected on the first snapshot when I was older, I could tell that I was either in the carpark infront of my grandma's flat, at the bus stop or on the road. How old was I? What was I doing there? What was my brother shouting about?

Here's what my brother told me. He came out of my grandma's flat on the 3rd storey and stood at the corridor, looking across the road and into the school and the market opposite the flat. He saw a toddler, barely able to walk, making his way across the road! Hmmm...this child looks familiar, in fact, he looks like :O ?!?!?!?! So you know why he was shouting, pointing and waving. No one knew how I managed to sneak out of the house, walk down the stairs from the 3rd storey, past the coffeeshop directly below grandma's flat, cross the single lane carpark, crossed the bus stop (I must cross the bus stop because there was a drain between the carpark and the road and the bus stop was the only access to the road) and arrived in the middle of the road...undetected by anyone! Singaporeans really bochap?

Here goes the exciting part. At that moment, a public bus was coming my way (service 240 or 246?) The driver saw me, jammed on his brakes and brought the bus to a nasty stop. At about the same time, my brother managed to alert some of the adults (my uncles and grandma?) and they dashed towards the road only to find me...of course not dead la! Died how to write story here? They found me under the bus, safe and sound.

Many years after that, my father told me the road used to be served by Service 246. Because of that incident, SBS pantang (superstitious) and shifted 246 to run on another road. Service 240 replaced the route taken by 246. In anycase, if the uncle who drove that bus is reading this, please accept my sincere apologies...I was young and rash and have never intended to cause you any distress.

Silly Short Stories - Kena Slapped?

During the Year 2003 National Day Rally, the then PM Goh mentioned about a story involving a certain Minister slapping a fellow Minister. PM Goh said "I must be suffering from amnesia. I just cannot remember this incident!" Well, I don't think he is suffering from amnesia because the incident didn't happen...
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According to the records in The Kin Jio Leaf, the ministers gathered for their regular afternoon meetings. Now, normally in the meeting the coffee boy called Koh Pee Buoy would prepare the drinks (be it coffee, kopi, teh, teh susu etc) for all of them. On that particular day, Pee Buoy was on medical leave.

"What! For the last 30 years he has never reported sick!"

"What's going to happen to my Kopi Oh?"

"and my Teh Susu?"

"I will not be able to think without my Earl Grey..."

Everyone started to panic...well almost everyone except the wisest among them all.
"Gentlemen, the world will laugh at us if we cannot get things done just because we're going to miss our afternoon tea... just get another fella"

And so, they proceeded with their meeting while someone went to get someone to make prepare the drinks. That someone's someone was Poon Lar Par. After being told what the ministers normally like to drink, he went to prepare and serve them. At this point, there was a heated argument over a certain policy where a certain young minister argued with 2 older ministers. Well, arguments in meetings are normal but Poon Lar Par was a bit buay song because he always thought that old people must be respected...how can the young upstart talk back to the elderlies like that? Boh tua boh suay! After serving all the ministers, Lar Par left for the canteen for his own tea break. He met his colleague who's also his trusted childhood friend, Soh Tong and started to tell! "Wah you know har...that young minister! How can he? He think he work so long and can talk back like that!" Lar Par ranted.

"Young minister? Long? Who?" Soh Tong asked.

"Ya la! Who he think he is? He long, people longer! Kena lan!"

"Who? Did you mean Loong or Hu? And who is Lan?"

"Aiyoh! Are you listening or not...that young chap talk back like that. His father never teach ah? Should be slapped man!"

"Who slapped who?!?!..."

"Ya la! The way he talk har, it's like a slap in the old men's face you know...eh, I gotta go, I think the meeting is over. I have to clear up...if not Pee Buoy come back tomorrow I sure kena slap by him"

That night, Soh Tong went out with his neighbour, Poh Sim Boon, to the nearby kopitiam for some kopi and smoke. Well, their wife don't allow them to smoke in the house so they went to the kopitiam to smoke lor...moreover kopitiam got Tiger Show mah...Ya la, Aunty Show who serves Tiger beer.

"So,Tong, how's it like working in the midst of all these big people?"

"Like that lor, I do my work, they do theirs"

"Any juicy stories, huh? Must have la! Heard anything or not..eh I heard they wanna ban smoking in kopitiam, really ah?"

"Huh? Wat? I wasn't listening...I was thinking about wat my friend told me this afternoon"

"What what! Say leh!"

"Well, Lar Par told me something about someone kena slap"

"Who? Who kena slap? By who? What? Where? When? Why? How?"

"I dunno...he said something about a young minister slap old minister..dunno wat long and who and lan...aiyah! I dunno la, don't tell har...wait I kena sack"

"I know already! The young minister must be Loong, who slapped Dhanabalan who sided with R. Hu!"

"How you know?"

"Who else got name containing Loong, Lan or Hu!"

"Oi! I never say that hor. No la, no la...I also dunno what happened! Dun anyhow say hor, som par, som par!"

"Donch worry, I WILL NEVER TELL ONE, I, POH SIM BOON, swear that if I anyhow tell, I'll never get to see my CPF!"
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Well, so you see, that was how the rumours got started...to quote the words from PM Goh's speech - "Now you know how creative Singaporeans are!"

Singapore Short stories - The Chengal Tree

Sometime back in Aug 2002, Habitatnews, in response to URA's invitation to the Rustic Coast Draft Concept Plan, discovered a Hopea Sangal tree in Changi. It was the tree that was believed to have given Changi it's name. The Hopea Sangal tree was believed to be extinct, so naturally, it gained a lot of excitement within the botanical community. I suppose historians were equally excited since this tree was related to the naming of Changi. Unfortunatly, it was felled by a property developer on 20 Nov 2002. Subsequently, the developer was fined and ordered to pay to the state for illegally falling the tree. Prior to the discovery of Hopea Sangal, some other types of trees were also thought to have given the name to Changi. One in particular was known as The Changi Tree and was believed to the intricately tied to the fate of Singapore during World War 2.
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According to the Kin Jio Leaf, in 1942, with the threat of WW2 coming to Singapore, the British army believed that the Japanese army would use it as a marker for artillery fire at the military buildings around the Chengal Tree. (Apparently, they depended on the Monkeys for the intelligence gathering). So they decided to take down the tree, with explosives. (Wa lau! Explosives is to be used on the enemy not on trees! Don't they know what's a chainsaw, obviously, another stupid suggestion by the Monkeys ).

We, the orangutans, objected to this move because we know that the Japanese were using GPS oreadi (Yes, Ground Peanuts System, you just sprinkle some peanuts on the ground and the artillery shells will find its way there) so they don't need the Chengal Tree as marker. More importantly, the Chengal Tree had deep roots in Singapore and it's life was intrinsically tied to that of Singapore.

Well, the British didn't believe and went ahead to take the tree down...and eventually, Singapore had fallen into the hands of the Japs. Good thing was, we managed to save a seed and planted it in Changi. It took years before we can even see the seedling sprout - it's a special tree afterall and so the years passed by. The Japs surrendered, the British balik kampong, Singapore merged with Malaya, Singapore got kicked out of Malaysia and Singapore gained independence...at the same time when the seedling grew to a young tree and need not depend on our tender loving care and can survive on its own. (Makes me feel like a proud parent watching his child grown to be a man ). However, like I mentioned, since the Changi Tree is intrinsically tied to the fate of Singapore, how did Singapore flourished in a leap while the tree grew slowly?

Well, although we planted that one special seed, there were also several not-so-special seeds from the Changi Tree. By itself, those seeds would not flourish (not enough special power, ya?). So, we place them all into a single spot and let them compete naturally. If there'll be one that manages to outgrow the others, by itself, proving survival of the fittest, it will be stronger and largi more powderful than the one special seed that received our tender loving care.

Somehow, the Monkeys got wind of it and wanted to disrupt our plans. They went to psycho the gahmen and ensure that those seeds would never grow. They made an elaborate proposal to the gahmen to build an airport around there. Well, airport has many aircrafts and tall structures are not allowed except certain predefined place. That got us worried, very worried indeed. Fortunately, the Khirsah then was very smart - if the monkeys can sway the gahmen, so can we. Eventaully, he managed to convince the gahmen to build a Singapore icon, the Changi Tower, right at the spot where we planted the seeds. As luck would have it, the seeds grew into saplings, the roots tied to the foundation of the Changi Tower and grew along with it. (Some magic happen there la, don't ask me why the Changi Tower don't have leaves and branches la, it's magic ok?)

The result is more than what we had intended-not only do all the not-so-special seeds managed to grow, they grew to be much taller and faster than what they could have been. And so, Singapore's growth sprinted like the Changi Tower or Tree...whichever way you want to call it.

Singapore Short Stories - Japanese Occupation

In World War II, Japan invaded China in 1937 to bolster it’s meager stock of natural resources and extend it’s colonial realm, to ease it’s population pressure. Subsequently, the Empire of Japan advanced into Southeast Asia and eventually attacked Singapore (a major British military base in SE Asia) in 7 Feb 1942.
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According to The Kin Jio Leaf, the real motive behind the Japanese Imperial Army’s invasion was to find the elusive Banana Leaf Fan (芭蕉扇) owned by Princess Iron Fan (铁扇公主). The Banana Leaf Fan, which originated from China was somehow delivered to Japan and was use to repel the Mongol invasion of Japan during 1274-1281. Storms (Divine Wind) were created using the Banana Leaf Fan to repel the Mongol’s navy.

Many years later, the Banana Leaf Fan was lost and the Japanese thought that it must have returned to China. Thus they invaded China to search for it. They found Panda and His Diaper Bears and their sacred text The Bamboo Shoots where it indicated that further south, there is a clan called Khirsah and His Hairy Apes who owns The Kin Jio Leaf. Thinking that The Kin Jio Leaf is the Banana Leaf Fan, the Japanese Imperial Army diverted south and attacked Singapore. It was due to this reason, The Kin Jio Leaf faced a shortage of banana leaves yet again. It was also during this trying period, the Khirsah then had to retreat further into the forest with his fellow orang utans and in the process, lost quite a few leaflets from The Kin Jio Leaf.

The Imperial Japanese Army had to keep this particular mission as top secret so as not to let anyone know their vulnerability. However, they also need to remind their soldiers of their primary objective thus they printed currencies with motifs of banana tree. These notes became more commonly know as banana money. The print of banana money was without serial money and uncontrolled which resulted in high inflation and severe depreciation of it’s value.

For 3 years and 8 months, the Japanese army searched frantically for The Kin Jio Leaf and hoping that it would provide some clues to locate the Banana Leaf Fan. Their secret police, Kempeitai, questioned and tortured the locals for the location of Khirsah and His Hairy Apes but no one knew. Needless to say, those who knew the real objective were executed. The Khirsah then had wanted to step out of the forest to prevent further lost of lives but he knew the Japs wanted to locate the Banana Leaf Fan but the Kin Jio Leaf do not have that information. He had contemplated sabo-ing the monkeys and tell the Japanese that the monkey's sacred text, The Coconut Husks, would have the record but like they say…Tree Fell Monkey Scram (树倒猢狲散)… all the monkeys had disappeared also. So, surrendering themselves would not help in any way but exterminate the Khirsah clan. The banana trees were not spared though…the Japs cut down every banana tree they can find, Pontianak or no Pontianak, they came, they sawed and they eat bananas.

When the Allies counter attacks became more intensive, the Japs had no choice but to create their own Divine Wind (Kamikaze) without the Banana Leaf Fan by making their pilots go on suicidal mission…with little success. Eventually, the Japanese surrendered on 15 Aug 1945.

Even now, no one knows where is the Banana Leaf Fan.…

Singapore Short Stories - Bt Merah Naming

Legend has it that Bt Merah (or Redhill, or Ang Sua...depending on which dialect, formal or informal name of the place) was named because the hill was stained with the blood of boy who was wrongly murdered for saving the villagers from garfish attacks.
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Actually, the legend is true according to The Kin Jio Leaf. Also, because many banana trees were transplanted, that also caused a shortages of banana leaves for us to write our sacred texts...

Many years passed and the people in olden Singapore lived in tranquility until a shoal of garfish came here and kah jiao the villagers. Many villagers were attacked and they complain to the King. The King then ordered his soldiers to get rid of the garfish but the soldiers were equally helpless because the garfish are foreign talents and can do better than the locals. "We need a scholar to solve this problem!" declared the King.

"But Sir, we have no scholars yet...we don't even have schools yet"

At this point, a young boy piped from the back,"I have a solution! Plant rows of banana trees along the coast. When the garfish leap out of the waters, they'll get stuck on the banana tree...the soldiers can move in then and kill the fish"

"But banana trees got pontianaks leh," the King's aide said.

"Well, you and all your ministers can volunteer to stand there instead...so how? you wanna get satayed or you want garfish fin soup? "challenged the boy.

And so, everyone went into the forest and start transporting the banana trees to the coast. The Khirsah then decided to let them have the trees since it was for a good cause and withdraw the guards.

The boy's plan went through and the garfish problem was resolved. But then hor, the King buay song liao. "How can we allow a peasant to offer a solution? Only scholars can have good solutions mah...must get rid of him..." and so he ordered the soldiers to kill the boy. When the boy was stabbed, his blood kept flowing and stained the hill where he lived...and thus, that hill was named Bukit Merah (Red Hill).

Singapore Short Stories - Pontianaks

For those of you who are still pretty clueless about the Kin Jio Leaf (The Banana Leaf), it is actually a sacred text recording the history of Singapore by a tribe made up of Orang Utans where the head is called Khirsah (Khirsah is a hereditary name given to the elected orang utan and he will have the sole responsibility of recording the accounts and protecting the Kin Jio Leaf). The Kin Jio Leaf actually went through several trails, (resulting in some lost leaflets, thus the incompleteness of the records :P) and the earliest one is retold here...
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Heard of pontianak? Legend has it that pontianaks are woman hantu (ghost) who supposedly die during/after child labour and turned into vicious spirits. They are normally seen in white/red clothes, long hair, with fangs and claws etc...much like M Jackson. During daytime, they're thought to hide in banana trees and only come out of the tree to hunt at night...they don't like to be too tanned you how...

Actually their origin relates to the Hairy Apes in Mandai Forest and The Kin Jio Leaf (KJL). Well, you see, our sacred text (KJL) had to be written on real banana leaves and it's not just any type of banana leaves. Only certain banana trees fit the criteria and we can only use the leaves of those trees.

But then hor, the locals have so much use of banana leaves like, wrap nasi lemak, otah, bah chang, tutukueh, weave baskets, for laying tables, as mattresses etc so we had to compete with them for banana leaves. (Note: Flo did point out that bah chang and several other items do not use banana leaves...but they do, in the past until banana leaves until the pontianak scare incindet so the locals use the alternatives :P)

One day, we buay tahan liao. Come one, we don't need ALL the banana leaves...we only needed those from certain trees and the humans simply don't understand and just go chop chop chop all the banana trees. So some of us stand guard at the trees, even at night to make sure that they don't touch the leaves of those trees that we need. But the stoothpick, superstitious, shortsighted humans mistaken my guards as long haired, ugly women wanting to rape them, went screaming back into the village howling that they saw hantus ....

Many moons passed since then and humans seldom disturb our trees. So we standdown our guards and things went peacefully for a period of time. One of the apes called Innu Weisen thought that it's is quite difficult to identify those banana trees that we want so he thought, "why don't we mark those trees? Just poke a needle into the tree and tie a red string into the needle so that the leaves gatherers can work faster!" It was a very innovative idea and so we adopted it. However, some young punks of the villagers wanted to hao lian their courage and impress the pretty village girls, started venturing into the forest again to dare the "banana tree ghost" . They discovered the red string and started pulling on it and one of us who happened to be there jumped out and yelled at them...and again the stoothpick, superstitious, shortsighted punks mistaken my guard as long haired, ugly women wanting to rape them, went screaming back into the village howling that they saw hantus ....

So over time, they learned to leave the banana trees alone, especially those with red strings and ignorance became legend that pontianaks live in banana trees and will haunt anyone who goes near it.

Singapore Short Stories - Governor's Grand Big Balls

In 1826, the Straits Settlement was formed as a collection of territories of the British East India Company in SE Asia. It comprises main of Sinapore, Malacca, Dinding, Penang and Province Wellesly. With this formation, the first Governor, Robert Fullerton, was appointed.
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According to The Kin Jio Leaf, the governor wanted to throw a ball to celebrate his appointment and so he invited people form all the places and as far as Europe. It was said that the governor's ball was the biggest, grandest, most lavish and everybody wants to have their hands on his ball

So happen that in Europe, the Evil Step Sisters (Ah Huay and Ah Lian) of Cinderella were invited also.

"Lian eh, since we got no chance to be Princess Charming, why not we go Singapore to see the governor's ball? Can feel and have a taste of what his ball is like!"

"Ons la! BTW, I heard Raffles will be attending and he's a fine charming man...maybe we can try our luck with him"

And so, the Evil Step Sister's set off for Singapore after they'd done some research on Raffles.

At the ball, they were contemplating how to approach Raffles. "Eh, I heard that Raffles talk very little nowsadays...something to do with hypothermia and tired of talking after all the negotiations for Singapore. How ah?" asked Ah Lian.

"Stand back and see me perform!" boasted Ah Huay as she make her way to Raffles. "Hello ham som...my sister and I made a bet that I can make you say more than two words. What do you think?"

Raffles looked at her, blurted "You lose!"

Singapore Short Stories - Ah Kong's Land

After a brief survey of the Karimun Islands, Raffles discovered Singapore to be a place where there was no Dutch presence which made Singapore suitable for the British to to set-up a free trade post. Noting that the Sultanate of Johore was in bad shape at that time, Raffles took the opportunity of sign an rudimentary treaty with the local Temenggong. Few days later, a formal treaty was signed with Tengku Long, who claimed to be the lawful sovereign of this region.
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Sometimes, you may hear Singaporeans retort "You think this is your Ah Kong's land/street/house etc ah!" Well, the roots of this phrase can be traced back to Raffles time...

According to The Kin Jio Leaf, shortly after Raffles identified Singapore as the place to set up a British trading port in this region (and dried himself), he set about the administrative aspects to formalize it. During that time, the Johore Sultanate was in bad shape and no longer had control over this place which gave Raffles an opportunity. He didn't know who to approach initially so he consulted Farquhar and asked if he can just plant the Union Jack and cliam his prize!

"You think this is your Ah Kong's land ah!" yelled Farquhar but paused immediately in deep thoughts. He continued,"Actually, I think this is really Ah Kong's land...let's look for the Temenggong!"

And so, they proceeded to make the first official contact with the local authorities...and eventually managed to formalise a treaty Tengku Long, the man who had supreme nominal authority over this area at that time.

Well, you can see, the first person who used the phrase with gusto was Farquhar...
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Major William Farquhar, was the British Resident of Malacca. One of his tasks was to negotiate commercial treaties with the local chiefs of the Riau Archipelego. After the founding of Singapore with Raffles, he was subsequently appointed as the first British Resident and Commandant of Singapore from 1819-1823.

Singapore Short Stories - Raffles' Statue

Having covered the ancient founding of Singapore...we'll look at the modern founding. Well, we know that Sir Stamford Raffles founded Singapore in 1819. Many years later, a statue of him was made to commemorate him. Have you wondered why the statue shows Raffles stood with his arms folded and wore knee length pants? Here's the story...
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According the The Kin Jio Leaf, Raffles wanted to look for a suitable port in this region to break the Dutch monopoly. He went to several places and every time the ship reached a fairly suitable coast, he had to roll up his pants. You see, he needed to find a new an untouched coast so of cos no jetty also. They had to jump off the boat, walk in knee deep water before they can reach the beach. After a couple of times and sick of rolling up his pants, he simply cut the lower part off. He searched for several places around the Riau islands but couldn't find a suitable location. In one particular hot afternoon, hungry and tired after all the searching, he started whining like the horse.

"Wa lau! I need some chicken!"
"Got your CPF already huh? Heard that people take their CPF and go Batam for chicken...you wanna go?"
"Batam have nice chicken rice meh? How come i didn't know?"
"...oh...chicken rice ah...then we should go Singapore. A Hainanese from China serve very good chicken rice there. Best in Singapore and JB and some say Batam. Wanna try?"

So, off they sailed again, heading for Singapore. Upon reaching, Raffles thought the waters were knee deep so he just jumped in...and got himself all wet...underwear also wet wet... because the waters here was deep...so deep that he was fully immersed.

"That's it! *gulp* This is the *gasp* place! Very deep water *gulp* for a port *gasp*. Large ships can sail right in!"

When his crew fished him out, he was so cold that he had to wrap his arms around himself while they got him a blanket. Meanwhile, a budding artist saw the scene and painted his drenched, cold, arms folded, shivering in that silly knee length pants picture.

Many years later, when people wanted to make a statue of Raffles capturing the very first image when he arrived. The grandson of the artist showed them the painting.

"This cannot la...he looked so miserable and wet...but we don't have any other picture...sculptor! Can you do something about this, at least make him look smart or something"

And so...we see the smart looking version of Raffles in the statue.

Note: CPF-Chicken Procurement Form...you see, Raffles' employer dun wan their overseas staff to anyhow leave seeds. Only under special circumstances the staff were issued with such forms...one form per visit. They had to fill it up so that they can trace any claims.

Singapore Short Stories - Origin of Merlion

The Merlion, a creature with the head of a lion and body of a fish, was designed as a symbol to represent Singapore for the Singapore Tourism Board in 1964 (so that we can tok the chai tou of tourists and sell Merlion souvenirs) . The Merlion was chosen because it relates to the ancient founding of Singapore by Sang Nila Utama (who thought he saw a lion when he first arrived, thus name this place Singapura) and Singapore's ancient name Temasek (sea port).
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According to The Kin Jioa Leaf, Merlions actually do exist. However, they are not born from nature but out of the mischief of the Monkeys...

Several years passed after Sang Nila Utama named this place Singapura, the Monkeys start to become restless. Apparently, they heard something about a great Monkey King somewhere up north is creating havoc in heaven and so thought that they are the greatest primates in this world. Jealous that we the Orang Utans have a sacred text, they created their own text called The Coconut Husk and claimed that our version of Singapore naming was false. (see previous story). A great war broke out and obviously the monkeys lost...what do they know anyway beside monkeying around

Sidetrack a little. We recorded this great war into the Kin Jio Leaf and sometime during the 1960s, that particular leaflet came off and was lost...the previous Khirsah never maintain properly A couple of years later, a french by the name of Pierre Boulle published a book called Planet of the Apes...wonder where he got the ideas

Anyway, where was I Oh, ya, the great war and monkeys lost...They retreated far north in search of their Monkey King for assistance only to realise that the King was imprisoned under the Wu Zhi San (Mt 5 Fingers). Our spy reported that they kena scolding somemore "!@#$, can't you see lim peh kena lock and I'll have to be here for another 500 years and wait for someone call Tang San Zhang to free me! Scram!"

So the monkeys LL. However, one wise one thought that since they got nothing to do now, why not go Africa and bring one lion here secretly so that they can prove lions do exist in SE Asia. I dunno how they arrived in Africa but when they do, the lion bo hiew them "Wa lau! I heard the Khirsah there very fierce one leh ! ".

The monkeys LL...again... but then hor, the wise one spoke again. "Lion dun go, we create one ourselves...look, I've been doing some experiments and something call DNA...clone...need to get his juice...long walk so cross with fish...can swim..."

Eh...dun ask me how they got the lion's juice...I dun know and I really dun wan to know any monkey business.

Apparently, they managed to cross breed lions with fishes and sailed back to Singapore to suan us...but then hor, you know la, lion cannot tahan the sea, even if it's a merlion, so the moment they reach shore, all start to vomit from seasickness The monkeys, seeing that their newfound allies couldn't help them, fled into the jungles again, leaving the merlions to die on the beach (fish can't go on land mah). The silly humans got all excited over the merlions and tried to save them but alas, only one survived (the one that's related to Rochor Mermaid...but that's another story).

Many years later, even the last one went e-lang so the villagers made a Merlion statue near the shore where they first saw them for remembrance sake.

We of course didn't bother the merlions bcos we know they are the innocent ones and life went on...

Singapore Short Stories - Ancient Discovery

Sang Nila Utama is a legendary Malay Prince who founded ancient Singapore. Legend has it that he was a prince of Sumatra. Wanting to find a suitable place for a new city, he went to the Riau island and eventually arrived in Temasak (Sea Town). Just upon arrival, he saw a beast and was told by his Chief Minister that the beast was a lion (Singa). Thus, Temasek was renamed Singapura.
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According my ancestor, Khirsah I (or was it III?) and recorded in our sacred text - The Kin Jio Leaf, what actually happened was this. When Utama arrived, there was actually a small fishing village consisting of people from different races. He was curious as to the name of this place so he asked for the name. Just before that, someone actually stole the sarong of one of the village woman. The name of that person was Gurmit Singh or Ah Seng (the text was a bit hazy on the identity of the thieve, sorry there). Now, when Utama asked for the name, the malay woman shouted "Singh/Seng kah po!"...and so we have this name...Sing-gah-pore.

However, the Monkeys couldn't agree with our texts...they claim that according to their sacred text - The Coconut Husk, Utama actually saw a tiger but he claimed that to be a lion. His aides didn't want to disappoint him (after all the stormy sailing and having to loose his crown to appease the gods), agreed that it was a lion.

Of course, the monkey's version is gibberish. First, how does one write on coconut husks? Secondly, we all know that lions can only be found in Africa and zoos and surely Utama, being a prince should know this fact. Thirdly, even the humans have recorded texts to show that there were clearly signs of early settlements in Singapore and the people came from different parts of Asia.

Thus, ends the first part of my Singapore Story...more to come if you guys are interested.